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becoming, blog, boundaries, Clarity, connection, Courage, empathy, growth, Healing, honesty, humor, intention, life, love, maturity, mental health, peace, presence, Reflection, resilience, self-respect, self-worth, softness, therapy, vulnerability, writing
Somewhere between wanting to be understood and being too tired to explain myself anymore, I realized there are things I just don’t mess with now. These are all things I’m working on. If I say them in the first person with confidence, maybe they will stick.
Not because I’m better than anyone. Not because I’m healed (though I am trying) or evolved or glowing in my higher self era. Mostly because I’m tired. And wiser. And becoming slightly allergic to nonsense.
I don’t force relationships anymore (looking at you Ms. S.). If it feels like I’m constantly auditioning for a role in someone’s life, I quietly bow out. No dramatic exits. Just a soft closing of the door and a promise to myself that I won’t keep knocking.
I don’t over-explain. If you misunderstand me on purpose, that’s not confusion, that’s a choice. And I’m done writing essays for people who only skim.
I don’t make myself endlessly available. I love deeply, but I no longer disappear into other people’s needs just to feel wanted. Availability is a privilege now, not a default setting.
I don’t pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I used to think strength meant swallowing things. Stuffing my feelings, thoughts, and opinions away. Now I know it means letting them exist. I am allowed to speak up.
I don’t argue just to be right. I’d rather be calm than correct. I’d rather be at peace than proven. Although I do love to be right. This one is hard. Hah.
I don’t keep people in my life just because they’ve been there a long time. History without effort doesn’t feel like loyalty anymore, it just feels familiar. But even a stinky diaper can feel familiar, and who wants to live with that?
I don’t chase validation. I still want to be chosen, yes. But I want to be chosen gently, consistently, and without having to perform. I’m not your clown.
I won’t say yes just to keep the peace. I don’t talk myself into ignoring things that don’t sit right. And I don’t pretend almost is enough. Not anymore.
I don’t argue with my own needs. I don’t call myself too much for wanting closeness, reassurance, or intention. I don’t shrink to fit spaces that were never built for me.
I don’t take everything personally. Some people are just living inside their own storms. And I don’t have to make that weather about me. Though I will stand in the rain with you to help you through.
I don’t match coldness. I simply redirect my warmth.
And I most definitely don’t explain basic decency. If someone doesn’t know how to show up with care, presence, and respect, I stop teaching and start choosing differently.
Mostly, I don’t explain my worth to people who refuse to see it.
Not out of anger. I am a little mad about some things, but I am working on my peace.
Because maturity, for me, hasn’t looked like becoming harder.
It’s looked like becoming more selective about where I stay soft.
Therapy is really making me look at myself in ways I didn’t expect. I’m trying to stay open to the process.
thecountessspeaks 