At this point…

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chaos, coping, curiosity, exhaustion, happiness, honesty, humor, irony, life, love, mental health, perspective, Rambling, relationships, self-awareness, Truth, writing

…if a clown asked me to go into the woods, I probably would.

…if a sketchy van tells me they have yarn, I’d at least look.

…if someone said, “This might be a bad idea,” I’d probably say, “Yeah, but let’s see how bad.”

…I’m not chasing red flags anymore, but I am squinting at them like, “Is that a flag or just bad lighting?”

…I’m learning trust my instincts, but I also know they’ve led me into some very questionable emotional parking lots before.

…I’m tired enough, curious enough, and self-aware enough to know I’d survive it (even if I complained about it later in a blog post.)

I’m not sure who I am

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blog, coping, depression, friendship, grief, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, relationships, self-discovery, self-reflections, therapy, Truth, writing

I kinda feel like I’m in a fog and don’t know which way to turn. A lot of growth and a lot of loss has happened for me this past year and I’m realizing that I’ve lived to other’s expectations instead of really learning to be myself. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I truly wanted. And when one friend abandoned me earlier this year, I’ve stopped wanting to trust people with the real me. The real me says stupid things and doesn’t always get things right, but I always try to be a good person. I want someone to see me.

I know what I need, what I crave. I just don’t know how to go after it. Slow and methodical seems to make the most sense. I’m not sure I know how to do things that way, but I guess it’s about time I learned. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer. How does someone who tries to avoid conflict learn to ask for what they want/need? I’ve been working on vocalizing myself more lately, but like most everything else, it’s a slow process.

I’m going through some emotional trauma in my life right now and it has really thrown me for a loop and a half. I almost want to just pack up and run away from it all, but I know that doesn’t help and could make things worse. I’m trying to find healthy coping mechanisms. Three people that I considered anchors in my life have passed on within the last 7 months. I’m not doing well at all right now. I’m planning to use my sports hobby to help get away from the grief for a time. Getting outside and moving is a good way to relieve some pressure.

Talking with a friend earlier, I came to the conclusion that with this intense time in my life, I need to not make any major decisions for just a little while. Just ride out the emotions for a bit and don’t make any big changes until things have calmed down and become a bit more stable. I’m going to be okay. I’m surrounded by great friends and family. I’m going to try to write more sappy poetry and just love on the people I love. I hope to make my corner of the world a better place.