A tale of two Mes

Tags

acceptance, balance, compassion, connection, empathy, friendship, gratitude, growth, guilt, happiness, Healing, Joy, life, love, perspective, Reflection

This past week has been one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever had. I went to a huge week-long event that’s part of my niche sport and got to meet a ton of wonderful people. Two stand out as actual new friends. People I know I’ll spend time with outside of the event. (Apparently, people with names starting with C are destined to play big parts in my life.)

I really wish I had taken more pictures with everyone, but I barely pulled out my phone. I was too busy being there, working hard, laughing, soaking it all in. I wasn’t just hanging out the whole time; I worked a lot. But even through the exhaustion, I felt better than I have in a long time. It’s hard to explain. I was tired, but the good kind of tired — full instead of empty.

On the flip side, it was an awful week for someone close to me, and I felt guilty for having such a good time when they were struggling. One morning, I misread a text and ended up near tears for a while. I spent a lot of time praying for my friend and their family. Thankfully, things seem to be on the upswing now.

This week reminded me that life can hold both joy and heartache at the same time. You can feel grateful for your own light while still wishing peace for someone else’s darkness.

My best friend told me at one point “It’s okay to enjoy yourself sometimes, even when those you love are suffering”.

Social Anxiety

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anxiety, awkward, exhausted, growth, life, mental health, out of place, safe, writing

Tell us about a time when you felt out of place?
How about every time I go out in public, especially to new places.

It’s not always obvious to the people around me, but I feel it deep down. That little twitch in my stomach, the way my brain keeps running through every possible way I might say or do the wrong thing. The way I get hyper-aware of how I walk, how I look, what I say. It’s exhausting sometimes, carrying around that constant sense of being “other.”

I wish I could just slide into a room like I belong there without second-guessing myself. I wish new places didn’t feel like such an obstacle course. But maybe part of life is learning that even when you feel out of place, you still show up. You still try. You still find little moments of connection that remind you you’re not as awkward as you think you are.

Do I still feel out of place most of the time? Absolutely. But I have found the people and places where I feel safe to be myself. That, I think, is what matters most.

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

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happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, Truth, writing

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell. I know right now you can’t tell, but stay a while and maybe then you’ll see a different side of me…soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be.”

I’ve been doing better with my mental health. Going to therapy, practicing self-care, doing a little exercise. But I’ve felt a little rough lately. I’m not going into detail about what’s happening but I feel like I’m two steps behind and no way of catching up. I wrote before about feeling like I’m boring and telling myself that just because I’m not out racing cars or skydiving every weekend doesn’t mean that I am.

“You’re holding the rope and I’m taking the fall.” Loser – 3 Doors Down

Some days I feel like a yo-yo. Like I’m on the edge, about to fall from leaning out and in. Riding the wave always means you come down at some point and some days I feel like a fool for jumping back in the water. I just feel like I’m losing a race that I never intended to sign up for.

I feel like I’m missing something. Like there is some knowledge out there (that I can’t seem to find) that will ease my mind or help me accomplish something.

I just want to go back to March and have that day over and do better. But since I can’t, all I can do is try again tomorrow.

A world of grey/gray

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Change, choices, empathy, gray, growth, human, life, messy, middle, perspective, Truth, values

When we’re young we more often that not think of the world as black and white. Often it’s because it feels easier, cleaner, safer. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Yes or no. But when you live inside real life, you start to see that most things fall somewhere in between. As I am going through my internal growth and change, I can see the middle spaces a little more clearly.

People are complicated. Choices are complicated. Even emotions are complicated. You can love someone deeply and still be angry with them. You can make a choice that’s best for you and still hurt someone else in the process. You can feel hopeful and heartbroken, joy and sadness, at the very same time. I don’t think life is all about the good or the bad, because there is a lot of space in between where most of life is lived. I’m not a “bad” person, but I might do what others consider bad, if it doesn’t align with their values.

Gray areas make us uncomfortable because they don’t give us certainty. I think a lot of people are putting themselves and others into these boxes just so they can feel safe (and maybe sometimes superior to those they think are bad). But the gray areas are what makes us human. That messy middle space is where growth happens, where empathy lives, and where we learn to see beyond just ourselves.

I don’t think the goal is to search for black or white answers all the time, but to learn to sit with the gray and let it teach us.

How dare you?

Tags

angry, disappointed, hurt, relationships, Truth, writing

This is just a rant.

How dare you tell me that the only reason you’re attracted to me now is because I lost weight. Why would you think that is something you should say out loud? You’ve spent 20+ years berating me over one thing or another and this is the last straw.

I refuse to let anything you do or say bother me anymore. I’m just done. From this point on your words are meaningless and they can’t hurt me again. But apparently they can make me mad. I’m so angry that I could pull a Diary of a Mad Black Woman stunt and leave you in the tub for days.

I’m mad at myself too. I knew better than to try to talk to you about serious subjects.

Music 2.0

Tags

connection, emotion, expression, happiness, Healing, identity, life, loss, love, memories, mental health, music, silence, writing

What would your life be like without music? Short answer: dull, boring, and sad.

I think I’ve already covered this, but I can’t resist sharing my absolute love for music. If my life didn’t have music, I’d probably have to invent it just to stay sane.

I honestly can’t imagine it. Music has been such a constant in my world for as long as I can remember. It’s not just background noise. It’s connection, it’s memory, it’s emotion, it’s expression. Without it, the silence would feel too heavy, too flat, too much.

So many of my memories are tied to songs. Little bookmarks in time. If music didn’t exist, I think I’d feel like my life was missing its anchor points. How would I know where I’ve been, or even who I’ve been, without the soundtrack that carried me through?

Music is the way I say what I can’t always put into words. It’s how I show someone I care, or that I’m hurting, or that I understand them. Without it, I think I’d feel cut off, like a whole part of how I connect with people was missing.

And then there’s the healing part. Sad songs when I’m sad, loud ones when I need strength, quiet ones when I want peace. Without music, I don’t know what I’d turn to when I needed to feel less alone.

I guess I’d still survive without it, but I’m not sure I’d ever feel quite whole.