Hard candy shell, soft gooey center

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Courage, emotions, empathy, growth, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, openness, personal growth, resilience, softness, strength, Truth, vulnerability, writing

People talk a lot about being strong. Pushing through. Holding it together. Standing tall even when everything around you feels like it’s falling apart. And yes, I’ve had to be strong more times than I can count. Life doesn’t give you many options at times.

But somewhere along the way, I think people forget that strength doesn’t cancel out softness. You can be both. You should be both.

I used to think that being strong meant being unshakable. Stoic. Quiet. The person who doesn’t cry, doesn’t break, doesn’t ask for help. I learned that from my mother, from the world, from experiences where emotion felt like a liability. If you let people see the soft parts, they took advantage. At least, that’s what I internalized.

But the older I get, the more I realize that softness is its own kind of strength. Letting yourself feel the love, hurt, hope, disappointment, joy (and feel it deeply) is not weakness. It takes courage to stay open in a world that teaches you to shut down. I feel like takes bravery to say, “This is me, and yes, I have tender places.” To expose those places to someone else is its own kind of bravery and strength.

Strength doesn’t mean cold.
Strong doesn’t mean emotionless.
It also doesn’t mean you never fall apart.

Sometimes strength is the ability to cry when you need to. (I still struggle with letting go.) To speak honestly (without cruelty). To admit when you’re tired. To let yourself rest.(Just do it already!) To let people in. To show empathy, kindness, gentleness, even when the world hasn’t always given those things back to you.

Softness is not the opposite of strength.

So yes, I can be strong. I can carry what I need to carry. And sometimes I can help you carry yours too.
But I’m also soft. I feel everything. I care deeply. I break sometimes and rebuild again. And I’m figuring out how to stop apologizing for that.

Strength may keep me standing, but softness is what keeps my heart open. And somewhere between the two, I will find the version of myself I actually want to be.

…Methinks

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boundaries, Clarity, communication, denial, emotions, frustration, growth, happiness, Healing, honesty, life, love, mental health, projection, relationships, Truth, vulnerability, writing

Apologies in advance for both the length and disjointedness of this post.

You know that old phrase, “The lady doth protest too much…”? Shakespeare said it first, but we all know someone who lives it on a daily basis. And sometimes that someone is us.

There’s something funny about how loud people get when they’re trying to deny something that’s actually true. Or trying to distract from what they are doing by accusing you of the same thing.
“I don’t care!” (…they absolutely care.)
“I’m totally fine!” (…they’re very much not fine.)
“I’m not even thinking about it!” (…they definitely are.)

It’s almost like the louder the protest, the more we accidentally reveal.

And I’m not beyond it either. I’ve caught myself doing the same thing. Like trying to talk myself out of feelings I don’t want to have, minimizing something that actually hurt, pretending something didn’t matter when it clearly did. Sometimes I protest the things I feel because admitting the truth makes me feel too exposed.

It’s a weird kind of self-protection.
If I deny it loudly enough, maybe I won’t have to deal with it.
If I downplay it, maybe it won’t sting.
If I pretend it’s nothing, maybe I’ll convince myself it is actually nothing.

But the heart is smarter than that. It knows when we’re lying to ourselves. It knows when something matters.

Sometimes “protesting too much” is just fear wearing a dramatic little mask. Fear of being seen. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being wrong. Fear of wanting something we’re not sure we can have.

But the opposite is also annoying. When a person truly feels one way and tries to express that and others refuse to believe them, say they’re protesting too much. But you don’t know how to say it any differently and they just keep on and on. What are you supposed to do then?

It’s like being stuck in an emotional loop where you’re trying to be as clear as humanly possible, but the more you explain, the more they twist it into something else. At some point you just sit there wondering if you’re speaking English or if everyone else has suddenly switched languages without telling you.

And it’s so very exhausting. There’s nothing quite like the frustration of being misunderstood. Especially when you’re telling the truth. You want to shake people and say, “No, really, this is actually how I feel,” but you can’t do that. So instead, you end up second-guessing every word, every tone, every expression. You start rehearsing conversations in your head, thinking maybe if you phrase it this way or that way it’ll finally land. But half the time it just doesn’t. Some people are committed to their interpretation of you, not your reality.

It makes you wonder how much of yourself you’re supposed to fight for in someone else’s mind. Like, at what point do you stop clarifying and just shrug and let them believe whatever they want? Sometimes you just have to choose your peace over your accuracy. You can’t control how someone else decides to filter your words. You can only control how honest you are when you say them.

Just because someone insists they know me better than I know myself doesn’t mean they’re right. Sometimes people project. Sometimes people assume. And sometimes people just don’t listen. But none of that changes the truth I’m trying to express. I don’t have to let someone else’s disbelief dilute the clarity I fight to speak. Sometimes the most powerful thing someone can do is say your truth once, mean it, and let the rest fall where it may.

The thing is, I’m going to work on my issues with denying my feelings and I’m also going to work on not being the second guy and pushing friends to admit something they swear isn’t true. That’s going to be a hard one just because sometimes it is hard to tell when the person means their protest or is just hiding something. And I guess, it shouldn’t matter with friends really anyway. You either believe them or not, you don’t have to cause a scene.

I feel like glass

Tags

almost broken, empty, life, loss, mental health, quiet, sad, sadness, writing

And I’m not sure I know how to smile anymore.

Now What?

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anxiety, executive dysfunction, Friday, growth, life, mental health, office life, productivity, quiet, rest, slow, work life, writing

What do you do when you’re at work and you’re all caught up?
Is this, like, a thing people actually experience?

I rarely have these moments at work. It seems like there is always something to do, but today, well, today is different. I finished all my work yesterday afternoon and on Fridays there isn’t much (if any) new work generated for me to do. So here I am, fully caught up, staring into the void like, “Okay, now what?”

Part of me feels like I should enjoy this rare silence, kinda like I’ve somehow unlocked a bonus level in the workweek. But another part of me is wandering around in circles wondering if I’ve forgotten something important. That’s the fun of the combo of executive dysfunction and chronic responsibility: even when you’re done, your brain whispers, “Are you though? Are you really?”

I’ve checked my email three times.
Refilled my water.
Straightened my desk.
And I’m still just here. Waiting for something to land on my plate so I can stop feeling like I’m doing something wrong by not being busy.

Why are we like this? Why does rest feel suspicious?

Surely it’s just this simple: sometimes you’re caught up. Sometimes you get an easy Friday. Sometimes the universe throws you a tiny slice of peace and says, “Sit down. Breathe.” I think I’ll listen today.

Monday will be back soon enough, so I will do my best to enjoy the slow, quiet day.

It was not this…

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life, love, relationships, Truth, writing

I won’t take this anymore…

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boundaries, happiness, Healing, journey, life, life lessons, love, mental health, personal growth, Truth, wisdom, writing

Middle age has taught me that peace requires choices and not just luck. The older I get the less things I will tolerate – either in others or in myself (therapy is helping with this too)

1. B.S. – I’m just not dealing with nonsense anymore. If I recognize the game you’re playing, you’ll see me quietly backing away and giving you less space in my life. I don’t need the drama.
2. Fake people – This one is trickier for me, because I’m naturally trusting and not great at subtlety. It usually takes me longer to pick up on insincerity. But once I see it, that’s it. I’m done entertaining it.
3. Pretending I’m okay – I’m getting better about this, especially with the people who are close to me. I’m not planning to walk around complaining or being a storm cloud, but I’m also not going to slap on a fake smile for anyone anymore.
4. Not having boundaries – I was the ultimate pushover in my younger years. A professional doormat. Now, I respect my peace too much to let anyone trample it. Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re protection.
5. Arguing with myself – My needs are valid. All of them. I’m learning to stop fighting myself, to stop letting guilt shape my responses. My needs are allowed to change as I change.
6. Taking things personally – This is a habit I’m still breaking. I’ve gotten better, but I still catch myself slipping into old patterns. Recognizing it is progress, even if it’s irritating when I do it.
7. Matching Energy – I’m too old for what feels like petty behavior. If you show me you don’t value your place in my life, I’m not wasting energy trying to match you. I’ll simply shift my attention somewhere it’s wanted.

My goal is simple: I want my middle age, and everything after, to be as peaceful as possible, inside and out. I know life won’t be sunshine all the time. The universe is really good at throwing curveballs. But I can control who I let in, how I show up for myself, and where I put my energy.