A harmonious life

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authenticity, balance, boundaries, Clarity, growth, happiness, harmony, Healing, honesty, life, love, mental health, peace, protection, reclaiming, Reflection, relationships, resilience, self-worth, strength, survival, Truth, unlearning, writing

What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony? Not much, honestly. Not anymore.

For most of my life, I let go of all kinds of things (both big and little) because it made other people more comfortable. I let go to keep the peace, to keep things smooth, to avoid being a problem or a burden or too much. And sure, it created harmony around me, everyone else was fine and dandy…but inside, I was miserable. Depressed. Disconnected from myself. And I hated that version of me.

I let go of dreams. Of goals. Of joy I didn’t think I was allowed to have. I dimmed my light so much that even my mother pointed it out once, and she wasn’t exactly the type to notice things like that. That says a lot.

So these days, I’m not as quick to let it go. To let it be. To step back.

Now, I will let go of pointless arguments—the ones where no one’s really listening and nothing changes anyway. The ones that just drain your energy for no reason. I’ll let go of people who are bad for me and my children, mentally or physically. I’ve done the whole “stay for the sake of harmony” thing before, and the cost is too high. Peace with them is not worth war with myself.

But I won’t say things like “I’ll let go of everything that doesn’t bring me joy,” because let’s be real; some things in life are necessary, even if they aren’t joyful. (Like bras. Or flossing. Or replying to emails when all you want is a nap.) We can’t curate a life of only sparkle and ease, and that’s not even the goal.

The goal is balance. Not sacrificing who I am just to keep the air calm.
So no, I won’t be letting go just for harmony’s sake. Not if it means losing myself again. I’m learning how to communicate better, so maybe some harmony will come as I learn to use my voice again.

(Un)Comfortably Numb

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alive, depression, emotion, feeling, grief, growth, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, mother, numbness, strength, Truth, writing

“Locking your grief/pain away just to make the people around you feel more comfortable will numb your heart.” -John Roedel

I am more determined than ever to feel everything. Good, bad, and ugly. I was numb for so long. I buried everything inside. I learned it from my mother and it was then continued by my husband. She was never very emotive or expressive. She had a hard life from a young age and she never really stopped living like it was still hard. She gave me a much better life, and I am so very grateful for that, but I was never taught the skills on how to live within it. And he, well, he just liked to pick fun of me at my “moods”. It became easier to just stop showing anything.

I didn’t know how to name what I was feeling, let alone express it. I learned to smile when I was breaking. To swallow sadness. To brush off disappointment. To hide every sharp edge of pain so no one else had to feel it with me. Before I shut myself down, I was a very outgoing child. After years of being brushed off or basically told to “suck it up” (just in a less harsh way), I just never shared with anyone.

But the thing is, stuffing it all down doesn’t make it go away. It just turns into something else. Numbness. Resentment. Exhaustion. That quiet ache you can’t quite place. I’m tired of being this way. And if you’ve read past posts, you’ll know I’m working on it. The changes are slower to take hold than I want, but I’m sticking with it. I refuse to go back to where I was.

I’m learning how to sit with what hurts, even when it’s uncomfortable. I’m learning not to flinch or run from it, not to shove it down and pretend I’m fine. I’m practicing saying what I need out loud, not just hinting or hoping for someone to pick up the pieces. I’m letting myself cry when the tears come, without apology. And I’m learning to let joy and happiness all the way in when they show up, even if they’re brief, even if I still feel unsure whether I deserve them. I do. I’m starting to believe that now.

This isn’t easy. Sometimes I still default to silence. Sometimes I still worry that I’m too much. But I’m getting better. And I’m proud of that.

Feeling deeply isn’t weakness. It’s proof I’m awake and alive. It’s proof I’m healing.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel alive.

Under Construction (Again)

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boundaries, discernment, energy, growth, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, quiet, rebuild, relationships, respect, selective, Truth, walls, writing

I’m rebuilding myself. I’ve posted about it before. But there is some new construction recently, lol.

I’m rebuilding my walls.

I took them down because I was feeling safe and comfortable, maybe even a little brave. But lately, I’ve realized something: except for about five people in my life, I just don’t feel like the people I know IRL should all have the kind of access I was giving. I’m just tired of being disappointed, so I’m going to back off and rebuild and practice discernment in what I share of myself and with who.

It’s not about being cold or distant. It’s not even really about shutting down. It’s about boundaries. About being intentional with where I put my energy, and who I trust with my softer parts.

I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to open up, how to be vulnerable (and that’s not a bad thing). But sometimes I forget that vulnerability and access are not the same thing. Just because I’m open doesn’t mean everyone gets a front-row seat.

So now I’m rebuilding. Not with brick and barbed wire, but with honesty. With a little bit more self-respect and a lot more quiet. I’m learning that it’s okay to be selective. It’s okay to protect the parts of me that are still healing.

This isn’t a step backward. I’m evolving. It’s just a smarter build. Stronger foundation. Better materials. Still me, just more thoughtful about who gets to stay in the room.

Thank you

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gratitude, honest, life, love, real, Reflection, relationships, safe, seen, self, soft, Truth

I don’t say it enough, probably because it feels too big for simple words — but thank you.

Thank you for helping me see myself more clearly. Not the version I learned to present, not the edited one I thought I had to be, but the real one. The one I kept quiet. The one I didn’t always like. Somehow, you saw her. You see her. And you don’t flinch.

You show me a version of me that can be strong and soft at the same time. Capable, even when I feel unsure. Beautiful, even when I feel small. You help me notice the parts of me that I’ve overlooked. You remind me of the things I forget when I’m too deep in my own head.

And you let me be myself. Fully. Unapologetically. Without shrinking or performing.

That kind of space is rare. That kind of safety is everything.

So, yeah, this isn’t some grand declaration or big dramatic love letter. It’s just a thank you. A quiet one. But honest.

Thank you for making it easy to be who I really am.

Say Something

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Affirmation, Clarity, Courage, growth, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, Needs, Reassurance, relationships, Truth, voice, vulnerability, Worth, writing

The song by A Great Big World always gets me. Some days I get lost in the past and this is one song that takes me back to a time when I just needed something. Even a little acknowledgement would have been good. But alas, it was not meant to be.

I’m embracing more things about myself these days and either working to fix the rough parts or just recognizing all the different parts of me and integrating them into the new me that I am forming. But I’ve really realized that I’m a needy person. I like reassurance. I need it I guess because my brain still just jumps to weird places.

Back to the past, I was less personally self-assured, etc. and I was still just as needy but went without for a long time. I’m learning (slowly, unfortunately) that I can ask for what I need/want. Now, I have to understand that I may not get what I asked for, but that the asking is allowed.

I’m working on positive affirmations and being less insecure but it is a process and I’m not very far along. My goal for the week is to just ask, along with reminding myself I am worth it.

So that’s my focus right now, asking without shame, reminding myself I deserve to be treated with care and consideration. I may not always get the answers I want. I may not always feel brave enough to ask. But I’m starting to believe that voicing my needs isn’t weakness. It’s honesty. It’s growth.

And if no one else says it today: I see you. You matter. You are worthy.
Sometimes that reassurance has to come from within, so I’m learning to say something to myself, too.

Unraveled

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life, love, mental health, relationships, Truth, unraveling, writing

I found this poem at this blog: https://tinyhearts.uk/tiny-hearts/ It really spoke to me today, so I wanted to share it with you all.