Happy Birthday Mom

Tags

grief, life, loss, love, mother, relationships

I know you’re in a better place, with a lot of family gathered around to celebrate with you. You’re no longer in pain and your body and mind are working perfectly again.

But those you left behind are missing you something fierce.

Not feeling very good today

Tags

depression, life, love, mental health, mother, sad, Truth, writing

I don’t have a fun/informative/thoughtful post for you today. I don’t feel well. Mentally. I call this a squishy brain day. My mind goes off on unhelpful tangents, all the while feeling blue.

Yesterday was the first Mother’s day I had without my mom and sisters. I stuffed down most of the emotions yesterday and it’s coming back to bite me today. Let this be a warning to y’all. Don’t stuff the emotions, feel them and let them run their course.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. I’ll come up with a nice post when I’m feeling better.

Silence

Tags

anxiety, connections, emotions, grief, life, loss, love, mental health, overthinking, peace, reflections, relationships, silence, Truth, writing

Silence isn’t always peaceful. If you’ve ever been in charge of children you’ll know sometimes silence is scary, lol. Silence can mean different things. If you’re a Doctor Who fan, it means scary aliens you forget as soon as you’re not looking at them.

If you’ve read some of my earlier posts, you’ll know how much I love music. It is always on when I’m in the car or in my office. But sometimes, it’s not. There are rare days when I just need to be quiet with my thoughts. It means I’m processing events or information. I haven’t needed a silent driving day in a while, but when I do, I can feel it. I’ll try to explain. It’s like a pressure inside my chest and brain. There has to be silence because adding noise makes things so much worse. Now that I’m thinking about it, this blog is like my car silence. Except that I’m putting these random thoughts out into the world instead of mulling them over and over in my mind. (sorry!!).

Silence is also when there is no communication (ie. Radio Silence). I really dislike this type. Lol. It happens and can’t be helped sometimes, but just UGH!! Like I said, it can’t be helped sometimes but oh my word, I can overthink things to the point of exhaustion. There was an incident recently where a friend didn’t message me for basically two days and I was literally terrified they had died in a car accident. (Excessive? Probably, but that’s how my brain works). I cried, it was that traumatic. They are fine. There were extenuating circumstances and it couldn’t be avoided. But this is a look into how my mind works, not a fussing at someone post. My poor brain can go to some dark places real fast.

An offshoot of the above type of silence is the saddest kind. When the person you’d like to talk to, or just hear their voice, has passed on. This type of silence can never truly be filled. It hurts, physically and emotionally.

Sometimes silence is the absolute sweetest thing. Like a first hug, when you don’t need to speak, just feel. Sitting comfortably with someone you love and just existing in the same space. I think most of you know what I mean. It’s that warm, comfortable place when you know you’re safe and loved. You don’t have to have noise to chase away the awkward, because there is no awkward.

I’m not a writer (obviously), so I don’t often know the best way to end posts. What other types of silence have you felt?

I’m not sure who I am

Tags

blog, coping, depression, friendship, grief, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, relationships, self-discovery, self-reflections, therapy, Truth, writing

I kinda feel like I’m in a fog and don’t know which way to turn. A lot of growth and a lot of loss has happened for me this past year and I’m realizing that I’ve lived to other’s expectations instead of really learning to be myself. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I truly wanted. And when one friend abandoned me earlier this year, I’ve stopped wanting to trust people with the real me. The real me says stupid things and doesn’t always get things right, but I always try to be a good person. I want someone to see me.

I know what I need, what I crave. I just don’t know how to go after it. Slow and methodical seems to make the most sense. I’m not sure I know how to do things that way, but I guess it’s about time I learned. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer. How does someone who tries to avoid conflict learn to ask for what they want/need? I’ve been working on vocalizing myself more lately, but like most everything else, it’s a slow process.

I’m going through some emotional trauma in my life right now and it has really thrown me for a loop and a half. I almost want to just pack up and run away from it all, but I know that doesn’t help and could make things worse. I’m trying to find healthy coping mechanisms. Three people that I considered anchors in my life have passed on within the last 7 months. I’m not doing well at all right now. I’m planning to use my sports hobby to help get away from the grief for a time. Getting outside and moving is a good way to relieve some pressure.

Talking with a friend earlier, I came to the conclusion that with this intense time in my life, I need to not make any major decisions for just a little while. Just ride out the emotions for a bit and don’t make any big changes until things have calmed down and become a bit more stable. I’m going to be okay. I’m surrounded by great friends and family. I’m going to try to write more sappy poetry and just love on the people I love. I hope to make my corner of the world a better place.

Letting Go

Tags

feelings, friendship, grief, Hope, hugs, life, loss, love, poem, poetry, pressure, relationships, rest, sadness, tired, Truth, writing

I’m tired, boss. So very tired. Here is a weird rambling poem about it all.

Words echo,
And promises unravel in the dark,
The weight of every “almost”
Sits heavy on my chest.

I’m tired —
Of caring so much,
Of picking up pieces
That don’t fit together anymore.
Of smiling through the pain
And pretending it’s enough.

And here’s hope —
That fragile, brittle thing —
She’s cracking beneath the pressure
Of just one more day.

I’m tired —
Of running on empty,
Of screaming in silence,
Of feeling too much
And nothing at all.

Let the world spin without me —
Just for a little while.
Let me close my weary eyes
And forget for a moment
How heavy it has all become.

Wrap me in your soothing hugs —
Let me float there, soft and weightless, like a breath.
Let the darkness hum its lullaby,
No questions, no answers,
Just the calm of letting go.

Taking a Break

Tags

friendship, happiness, health, life, love, mental health, regrets, relationships, Truth, writing

For the 3 people who regularly read this blog. I am taking a small break for just a couple weeks.

I’ll be back after Spring Break. I hope y’all have a lot of good times and big love.