The Upside-Down

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Change, effort, growth, Healing, honesty, life, love, marriage, mental health, personal growth, progress, reality, Reflection, relationships, Truth, writing

I don’t really know how to write this without feeling a little strange about it, but here goes.

My future ex-husband isn’t being an asshole anymore.

That sentence alone feels loaded. It’s not meant to be dramatic or mean or rewriting history. It’s just… true. Things feel different lately. The sharp edges have dulled. The tension that used to sit in the room like background noise has quieted down. Conversations don’t feel like landmines the way they once did.

I’m not saying everything is perfect. Because, OMG, things are far from perfect. I don’t trust “perfect” anyway. But there’s been effort. Consistency. A noticeable shift in how he speaks to me, how he listens, how he shows up. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t notice or didn’t care.

What’s complicated is how it makes me feel. Relief, sure. Gratitude too. But also confusion. Because when you’ve spent a long time bracing yourself for the fights and the yelling, it’s hard to just relax when the pressure lets up. Your body remembers. Fight or flight still kicks in. Your heart stays cautious even when your brain says, “Hey… this is… better?”

I find myself watching instead of reacting. Waiting to see if it sticks. Wondering what it means and what it doesn’t. Change is good, but history doesn’t disappear overnight. And I think it’s okay to think that things are both better and that I’m still processing all that came before.

I don’t want to minimize the growth, though. Growth matters. Effort matters. Accountability matters. And right now, I see those things more than I have in a long time. That deserves to be acknowledged.

I still feel like it’s “too little, too late”. So many bad things have happened and been said over these long years. I am so confused.

Merry Christmas Darling

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christmas, darling, Dreams, happiness, holidays, life, love, relationships, special, Truth, writing

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas, darling
We’re apart, that’s true

But I can dream and in my dreams
I’m Christmasing with you
Holidays are joyful
There’s always something new
But every day’s a holiday
When I’m near to you

The lights on my tree, I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy new year too
I’ve just one wish on this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

Logs on the fire fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy new year too
I’ve just one wish on this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, darling

Saturday

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blog, Books, burnout, chaos, daydreaming, exhaustion, fatigue, growth, happiness, Healing, life, limbo, love, mental health, mental noise, mood, overthinking, quiet, Rambling, Reflection, restless, Saturday, Truth, worklife, writing

Some crazy fool agreed to work today. (That would be me.)

Working on a Saturday always feels a little wrong. Like wearing socks that don’t quite fit but deciding it’s not worth fixing. The world is quieter, my brain is louder, and everything feels slightly out of sync.

I’m technically working, but my mind keeps wandering. One minute I’m doing my job, the next I’m staring at nothing thinking about absolutely everything. I kinda think Saturdays have this way of feeling both heavier and lighter at the same time, in a weird limbo style way. (Cue the calypsos!)

There’s this tiny (like really small) bit of guilt too. Like I should be doing more here in the office because I’m already working. But also I feel like I should be doing the bare minimum because (duh) it’s Saturday. I exist in that middle space today. Half productive, half daydreaming, fully overthinking.

I keep thinking about random things. Conversations from years ago. Things I should have said. Things I probably shouldn’t have said. What I want next. What I’m scared of next. Whether I actually want quiet or if I just think I do. Y’all already know my brain likes to do this fun thing where it jumps topics like it’s allergic to staying in one lane.

Working on a Saturday seems to make me even more tired than a typical work day. Maybe it’s because my brain is freaking out thinking “You’re supposed to be resting, you silly goose!” I don’t know, it’s just a weird day.

So here I am. Working. Rambling. Thinking too much. Not thinking enough. Letting the day be whatever it wants to be. If Saturday wants to be a little chaotic, a little unstructured, a little all over the place, I guess I’ll be right there in it.

Quietly

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anchor, constant, gravity, happiness, hush, knowing, life, love, pause, relationships, remain, still, thread, Truth, unseen, writing

I don’t love you in a way that asks for proof.
I love you quietly.
My love is the kind that settles in
to stay and holds space for you gently.

I love you in the pauses.
In the space between messages.
In the understanding that some things
can be true
even when they’re complicated.

You didn’t arrive loudly.
You didn’t change my world overnight.
You just stepped into it
and somehow made it softer,
made me braver about who I already was.

With you, I don’t perform.
I don’t explain.
I don’t reach for words to convince.
I just am.

And that’s how I know
this love is real
because it doesn’t rush,
doesn’t demand,
doesn’t disappear when it isn’t fed every day.

It stays.
Like I do.

And Still You Found Me

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belonging, chance, coincidence, connection, fate, friendship, happiness, humanity, life, love, mental health, Reflection, relationships, serendipity, timing, wonder, writing

You ever stop to think about how interesting it is when you meet these people who end up being very important to your life? Out of all the people in the world, all the lives running parallel to yours, all the strangers you pass every single day without a second glance, somehow, you met this one person who becomes an integral part of your life.

I could have chosen to do anything differently that day and my whole life would be so very different (and I don’t think in a good way). Just think, I made one small decision that changed the trajectory of the day. And here we are.

I don’t know how much of that is fate and how much is coincidence. I don’t know if things are meant to happen or if meaning is something we create after the fact. But I do know that some connections feel different. They feel improbable, how in the world did these two strangers just come together and fit. Like the universe looked at all the chaos and said, “These two. Right here.”

When I think about it too long, it can sometimes feel overwhelming. All this movement. All these people. All these moments that could have gone another way. And still, somehow, we met.

It’s hard not to see and treat these connections a little more gently. Some things I just don’t want to lose, and I’m still learning how to hold them gently without holding too tight. Hard not to pause and appreciate the sheer odds of it. Of all the places I could have went that day, that was the place you were. Of all the topics that were posted, you saw mine and were moved to respond. In a world this crowded, this loud, this constantly moving, finding each other at all feels like something worth celebrating.

Hard candy shell, soft gooey center

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Courage, emotions, empathy, growth, happiness, Healing, life, love, mental health, openness, personal growth, resilience, softness, strength, Truth, vulnerability, writing

People talk a lot about being strong. Pushing through. Holding it together. Standing tall even when everything around you feels like it’s falling apart. And yes, I’ve had to be strong more times than I can count. Life doesn’t give you many options at times.

But somewhere along the way, I think people forget that strength doesn’t cancel out softness. You can be both. You should be both.

I used to think that being strong meant being unshakable. Stoic. Quiet. The person who doesn’t cry, doesn’t break, doesn’t ask for help. I learned that from my mother, from the world, from experiences where emotion felt like a liability. If you let people see the soft parts, they took advantage. At least, that’s what I internalized.

But the older I get, the more I realize that softness is its own kind of strength. Letting yourself feel the love, hurt, hope, disappointment, joy (and feel it deeply) is not weakness. It takes courage to stay open in a world that teaches you to shut down. I feel like takes bravery to say, “This is me, and yes, I have tender places.” To expose those places to someone else is its own kind of bravery and strength.

Strength doesn’t mean cold.
Strong doesn’t mean emotionless.
It also doesn’t mean you never fall apart.

Sometimes strength is the ability to cry when you need to. (I still struggle with letting go.) To speak honestly (without cruelty). To admit when you’re tired. To let yourself rest.(Just do it already!) To let people in. To show empathy, kindness, gentleness, even when the world hasn’t always given those things back to you.

Softness is not the opposite of strength.

So yes, I can be strong. I can carry what I need to carry. And sometimes I can help you carry yours too.
But I’m also soft. I feel everything. I care deeply. I break sometimes and rebuild again. And I’m figuring out how to stop apologizing for that.

Strength may keep me standing, but softness is what keeps my heart open. And somewhere between the two, I will find the version of myself I actually want to be.